I knew I shouldn’t have forced myself to go to school, my eyes could barely open, it was half an hour after I normally get out of bed and I felt like my body was made up of heavy stones. But I got up, got in my car, downed a Venti Americano and hoped for the best.
The best was that I opened my desk drawer to take out the projector remote with one hand, and then slammed it shut on my other hand, particularly my index finger joint. The pain was excruciating and I ended up having to ice it for most of the day (thanks to my P.E. colleagues stepping in).
But as I type now, realizing how important an index finger joint is, based on the fact that it’s still ‘twinging’ every time I hit a key, I realize it’s not clumsiness to blame, but my lack of acknowledging when to stop.
I, like many educators, push myself till I can’t go any further: when lying in bed is the only option left…when not wanting to come off that bed, is the only feeling left. It’s the state in which depression and anxiety win, and you’re too numb to do anything about it.
You think you’re not affected mentally by the job? Sadly, many educators do. And even if they recognize that they are, they push it down to their subconscious or brush it aside. It’s the ‘I’ll deal with that later,’ promise that we make to ourselves, and that we hardly ever get to.
Physically, you may be more aware. You understand the need to exercise, many of you hit the gym before/ after work, you work on keeping your cholesterol down, you’re in-the-know about lifestyle diseases and you do your best to keep blood sugar levels in the non-diabetic range.
As I sat back and thought about what to focus on this week, I realized how much I’ve been self-soothing in the wrong way because my job is so stressful: mentally. I realize my experience can almost be described as a version of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). AND IN NO WAY AM I TRYING TO MINIMIZE THIS MENTAL DISORDER.
I reflected on how I’ve been pulling up to an ice cream parlor after work, downing a waffle cone with Belgian chocolate scooped into it. Skipping a proper dinner for comfort foods: chips, preserves, fruity sweet ice lollies.
What am I seeking comfort from? Why do I feel so unsafe, so unhappy? Some choose alcohol, illicit drugs..I choose unhealthy snacks and drinks… we’re ALL harming ourselves and trying to escape a pain we keep refusing to face. There is no one better off than the other here.
Then there’s the darker side for me, personally : panic attacks, crying spells, increased antidepressant medications… the ones that leave you in the groggy state I spoke about at the beginning. You’re left without feeling anything; you’re apathetic and unexcited about ANYTHING in life. So imagine how you feel about your job.
Is your job making you mentally sick? Only you can answer that question. But here are some examples which can mentally affect you as an educator:
Dealing with an openly defiant student: The day I pulled in for ice cream? (well one day of many to be honest) A student refused to put away his phone in class and write his notes. It became a power play, me giving an instruction and he refusing to comply. ‘Put your phone away’ ⇒ He put it under the notebook ⇒ ‘I don’t want it on the desk’ ⇒ He put it on his lap ⇒ “Store it in your bag/ pocket”⇒ He complies by putting it in his pocket, but then begins purposely doodling in his notebook. Five minutes of a forty minute period have gone and all the while, I’ve had 19 other pairs of eyes on me to see how it would end.
That’s a traumatic situation! It’s a hostile environment, and you’ve been put on the defensive in a space that’s supposed to be safe. This happened at 8:30 in the morning and I still needed comfort food by 4:30 p.m. That evening, I skipped dinner, popped some anti-anxiety meds and went off to bed, promising myself the next day would be better.
Multitasking Deadlines & Duties: Oh wouldn’t it be great if time was blocked off for marking! But no, that’s not how it works. It was mid term week, marks and comments were due, but lesson planning still needed to happen, teaching had to take place, extra curricular clubs had to run and supervision still had to be assigned. Multi-tasking needs to stop being applauded, it’s a brain-drainer and floods your body with way too much dopamine and adrenaline. As Daniel Levitin states: “You’d think people would realize they’re bad at multitasking and would quit. But a cognitive illusion sets in, fuelled by a dopamine- adrenaline feedback loop, in which multitaskers think they’re doing great.” You’re not. You’re opening way too many tabs in your brain and just like it happens on your computer, you’re going to freeze the system/ slow down the speed of your machine (brain). That’s why brain-fog, feelings of being overwhelmed or numb are more common these days. If you find yourself just crawling into bed and pulling the covers over your head after work, or just lying in your towel staring into space after showering…your brain is trying to tell you ‘please, close the tabs, power down and go into a rest state.’
Switching from Teaching to Meetings: Ok, picture this: you have class, back to back till 10, and then a meeting that starts at 10. Or, you teach half-day and then have parents’ meeting for the next half of the day. You’re switching roles in the blink of an eye! You go from teacher to HOD, or from dealing with children to dealing with adults…the code switch is real and it takes a lot of mental energy out of you. Sometimes, you can barely stuff a sandwich down before someone’s ringing on the phone or coming by your hutch to remind you that you ‘have somewhere to be or someone to see’. That groan of frustration that results, the feeling to pull out your hair? That’s your mind telling you “Enough! Stop it!” A lot of lunchtimes this term have met me with my head down on the desk, not even realizing I’m dozing off. I just need darkness and to close my eyes. I remind my colleagues to give me a ten minute heads-up before I have to ‘be somewhere’, but as far as I’m concerned, I shouldn’t even be getting to this stage.
Suppressing your emotions: Obviously I couldn’t unleash the anger I was feeling when the student refused to comply with my repeated instruction. So what happened? When I got home and my 8 year old nephew asked me for help with his homework, I snapped a ‘No, I’m tired, ask someone else!” at him. Of course, I regretted it once it left my mouth and as I continued to reflect, I realized I’d spoken that way because I still hadn’t released the anger at the defiant student, a MAD 10 hours after! That’s crazy! But again, it shows how much emotion we can suppress and bring to the surface with the slightest provocation. And sadly, when we do bring it to the surface, it’s often misplaced.
What I want to say to you, dear educators, is that mental wellness is something you have to consider. Doing physical activity and eating healthy helps, but don’t underestimate the impact / overlook the situations that cause you mental stress at work. During the course of the week, we’ll share tips for treating with this type of stress: journaling, gardening, D-I-Yprojects, crafting, wind-down rituals, basically some brain healthy habits.
We need to take care of our bodies AND minds. Don’t put one over the other on your “Important” list.